Shoes of the wrong size

A few weeks ago, I had a complete breakdown.  I was eviscerated in a single day.  My spouse had just decided to divorce me after 17 years of marriage and then on this day I was told my father wouldn't help me do my name change.  Now let's not go into why a 37 year old needs to get permission from their parents to change their name.  That is just how the law is.

If both of my parents would have signed off on me getting a name change then I would have not needed to wait 6 weeks or advertise in the paper or even stand before a judge to get that name change.  So, here is my father saying in essence, "I know I can't stop you from transitioning but I am not going to make it easy". 

That hurt me so bad that I still can't put words to it.  My soul despaired, my body was overcome, my mind was devastated, and the only way to deal with the depth of the pain and sorrow I felt was to wail and that's just what I did.  For 15 minutes, loud enough that not a neighbor could have missed it for a block in each direction.  WAILING and sobbing until I managed to cry out to my God and was comforted.

This was the scene about a month ago when I tried again to explain to my mother why I had to transition. I tried to explain through tears that concealed the floodgate which lie behind them.  I told her that transition offered me the hope of being at peace with myself at the expense of being at odds with the world.  I don't think she could understand.  I don't think a cis-gendered (normal person) can really ever understand.  After all how do you explain what it's like?  We say it's trapped in the wrong body, yet how can they understand what that's like?

It's like shoes of the wrong size.

Trans* people probably all understand by now just exactly what that heading is saying.  For the rest of you, take a minute to walk a mile in my shoes.

Imagine for a second being given a pair of shoes that were three sizes to small.  Your feet can barely slip into them.  Yet they do.  These are perfectly good fully functioning shoes just three sizes small.

Can you imagine how those shoes feel on your feet?  Can you imagine how each step might be just a little bit painful?  Can you empathize with someone wearing too small shoes?

Imagine that those shoes were a gift from God himself and that all of your friends and family think that not wearing those amazing wonderful shoes would be the ultimate rejection of Gods love!  Imagine how that might feel.

Imagine the pain as day by day those shoes that are too small squeeze tighter and tighter on your ever increasingly pain filled feet.

It's physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain.

At some point it wouldn't matter if God handed you the shoes and you thought they were the most amazing and wonderful pair of shoes.  You would do anything to get those shoes off your feet rather than suffer with each and every step and if you couldn't get them off you might even resort to killing yourself for the pain to end.

Are you starting to understand?  Our bodies don't fit our minds.  It's not that the body isn't perfectly good.  It's not that we hate God.  It's just that we need to make our bodies fit in order to enjoy life, to find peace, to be happy and fulfilled.

Trans* people are dying because their shoes don't fit and they can't get them off.

I know, that's a ridiculous thought.  Who would force someone to wear shoes three sizes too small?  Who would want people to suffer that much?  

Do you know the statistics though?  41% of trans* people in a recent US survey have attempted suicide. More than 25 times the rate of the general population.

This is exactly why the WPATH standards of care exists.  So we can get into shoes that fit.  

God doesn't want suffering and pain.  Satan does.

Take off your shoes.  Let your children, friends, or parents run barefoot if they have to.  Have mercy on their aching feet.  

Do you understand?

Welcome to Caterpillar Dreamers!

This site is for trans* people, their families, their friends, and anyone else who needs to make a change.

The caterpillar doesn't dream of crawling around on the ground it's whole life.  It dreams of soaring on the wind as a beautiful butterfly.  It was born knowing what it would become.

Our lives have stages, it's good to be a caterpillar for a time but to never become a butterfly would be to deny the world your true beauty.

My goal here is to talk about and answer your questions, air your thoughts, and to love you.  So when I post please comment and ask your questions.  This is for you.